Truth in Advertising

[from a private discussion list, 21 September 1999]

...have been shoveling out my mailboxes and thought this would amuse you all...

A few years ago I was enlisted to help a friend find replacements for her aging horses. If you think the people who are asking for a dead-broke, registered Morgan family horse for $2K or less are dreaming the impossible dream, try finding a decent Ladies Fine Harness or 5-Gaited horse in California or Illinois for less than the price of your mortgage. The following fluff is a distillation of email during our increasingly cynical search:

The Cynic's Guide to 5-Gaited and Fine Harness Horse Advertising
1. "Extraordinary Rack"
     Horse is dead lame and cannot normally walk, trot or canter.

2. "Fabulous Slow Gait"
     Same as above, plus stringhalt.

3. "Push-button horse - great Jr. Exhibitor mount!"
     Only a kid can ride this horse -- adults aren't motivated enough to find the right buttons to push.

4. "Does it all -- clips, ties, trailers"
     ...everything except walk, trot, canter, gait, take leads on command and halt. Backs very well.

5. "Tried and true Ladies horse, ready for a new home"
     Has gaits and leads: otherwise, still breathing.

6. "Won at Lexington"
     In Weanling Halter and 4-Year-Old Road Hack

7. "Real show horse attitude -- never quits"
     Including for vet, farrier, grooms and stall cleaners.

8. "Wild mover - great action" (harness horse)
     Get a quick-hitch -- the only way you'll ever hook this sucker is on the run.

9. "A natural Stakes horse"
     Goes like gangbusters and is butt-ugly.

10. "Bold in the bridle"
     Take up power-lifting if you buy this animal.

11. "Green, but has a wonderful presence"
     We are selling this horse because everyone here is scared to death of it.

...and lastly, the great enigma:

12. "Fine Harness Horse for sale. Wears shoes well"
     Neither of us had the nerve to call the number listed to inquire.